When the ER doctor said the dreadful word… the one I didn't want to hear… glioblastoma… I knew that my life was forever changed. I knew that it was very likely that I would be facing a life without my husband at some point. Unless God miraculously intervened (which we hoped and prayed for), my Vince would be leaving us to go Home ahead of us.
That's where I am now. Facing a life without my husband.
We had planned to grow old together. We worked together in ministry. We have always homeschooled. When babies came along, we made the choice for me to stay home with them. I started a very small hobby business selling knitting and crochet patterns about eight years ago. It's never been enough income to support us. It has always just been a hobby, and I haven't really done much with it since around 2012. I started the daisyhead as a place to encourage other home educating moms. I make a little money, but it just pays to keep me up on the web.
Now that our primary income-earner and my partner in ministry is no longer here with us, I must face a new plan.
How do I support us now? Can I still homeschool these last two sweet children? Do I begin to look at this place of ministry (this blog) as more of a business? Do I teach classes from my home?
How do we go on?
What is God's plan for us now?
How do I find it while I'm still so steeped in grief?
How do I find it while still helping my children through their grief?
These are not easy questions. We are still trying to figure out how we should plan our days now that Vince is gone. We are surrounded by decisions of whether to mow the grass, what to cook for supper, if we need to go to the grocery store, if we should clean or do something fun and relaxing together… And even these small decisions are overwhelming.
How can we make the larger, more life altering decisions if we can't figure out the smaller ones?
Maybe it's too soon to be considering these questions.
Maybe I'm unwise if I don't consider them now.
Maybe the indecision is part of the grief process.
All I know is that I don't want to make any of these decisions. I don't want to face living out the rest of my days without my husband. Can't we get a do-over?
Ultimately, I know that I have a Father who will hold me up until He shows me the way. I have to now face life without my husband, but I don't face it alone. God will walk with me. Oh, how thankful I am for that.
I have lots of times that the grief and sadness overwhelm me. Times that the grief rises so high in my chest that it feels like I will suffocate. Always, I end up being comforted by the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, who comes and sits with me. In time, I know that He will guide my steps. I need only wait for Him.