Facing a Life Without My Husband

When the ER doctor said the dreadful word… the one I didn't want to hear… glioblastoma… I knew that my life was forever changed. I knew that it was very likely that I would be facing a life without my husband at some point. Unless God miraculously intervened (which we hoped and prayed for), my Vince would be leaving us to go Home ahead of us.

That's where I am now. Facing a life without my husband.

 

loss of spouse

 

We had planned to grow old together. We worked together in ministry. We have always homeschooled. When babies came along, we made the choice for me to stay home with them. I started a very small hobby business selling knitting and crochet patterns about eight years ago. It's never been enough income to support us. It has always just been a hobby, and I haven't really done much with it since around 2012. I started the daisyhead as a place to encourage other home educating moms. I make a little money, but it just pays to keep me up on the web.

Now that our primary income-earner and my partner in ministry is no longer here with us, I must face a new plan.

How do I support us now? Can I still homeschool these last two sweet children? Do I begin to look at this place of ministry (this blog) as more of a business? Do I teach classes from my home?

How do we go on?

What is God's plan for us now?

How do I find it while I'm still so steeped in grief?

How do I find it while still helping my children through their grief?

 

grief

 

These are not easy questions. We are still trying to figure out how we should plan our days now that Vince is gone. We are surrounded by decisions of whether to mow the grass, what to cook for supper, if we need to go to the grocery store, if we should clean or do something fun and relaxing together… And even these small decisions are overwhelming.

How can we make the larger, more life altering decisions if we can't figure out the smaller ones?

 

Maybe it's too soon to be considering these questions.

Maybe I'm unwise if I don't consider them now.

Maybe the indecision is part of the grief process.

 

loss of spouse

 

All I know is that I don't want to make any of these decisions. I don't want to face living out the rest of my days without my husband. Can't we get a do-over?

Ultimately, I know that I have a Father who will hold me up until He shows me the way. I have to now face life without my husband, but I don't face it alone. God will walk with me. Oh, how thankful I am for that.

I have lots of times that the grief and sadness overwhelm me. Times that the grief rises so high in my chest that it feels like I will suffocate. Always, I end up being comforted by the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, who comes and sits with me. In time, I know that He will guide my steps. I need only wait for Him.

 

Have you ever faced a life-altering event? Have you ever faced loss or grieved someone close to you? Have you ever grieved for a spouse? How did you make it through to the other side?

 

7 thoughts on “Facing a Life Without My Husband

  1. Connie, grief is like an ocean, on a calm day the waves trickle in slowly and gently laying over your feet. Almost calming and perfectly natural, but once the storm of grief bares down the waves are so over whelping, knocking you off your feet and fighting to stand your ground and catch your breath. It seems like a never ending process and you wonder if there is ever going to be and end… thankfully your faith is deeply rooted and you know that Christ is but a hand grip away. HE is there to remind you that this too, no matter how over whelming, will pass. I pray for you my dear cousin, I pray that you are reminded every day that your life with Vince was sweet and wonderful, and such a blessing to be celebrated, that you Live, and honor our Lord, as you honor the memory of your loved one. What a blessing it is to have known such a love, what a blessing it is that your children help to remind you of what you had, what you built, what you leave behind… a legacy that you two built now continues on for generations to come. Live your life boldly so others may know Him♡♡

    1. You are not alone. David in psalm 6: i am worn out from groaning;all night long i flood by bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears……actually you may be at a stage where you cannot cry anymore…all normal.you will get thru this . Truly believe it is essential to go thru the pain and each stage in order to heal properly and not have so much extra unfinished emotions to grapple with later….some folk try to numb (normal) but again need to walk thru this..it will get better. Psalm 40’s helpful. Any support group very helpful so you have a place to rehash and feel normal and see others that have gone thru your situation and are on the other side…..get all the help you can….not a time to isolate….got to take care of you now…..please know you are beloved…loved by me and your dear ones

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is so individual and I will be praying for you. I would highly suggest you find One Fit Widow on facebook. She posts lots of inspiring messages and it is geared toward widows, although I found her very helpful while grieving the loss of my mother. Again, I am so sorry.

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you as you go through this difficult time. Don’t forget to turn to your homeschooling friends. They may be able to help you to continue homeschooling if that is God’s plan for you. I know I would be more than glad to help a friend in your situation.

    Hugs and prayers to you and your kids. May God cradle each of you in His peace and may you feel His everlasting arms around you at all times.

  4. Oh my goodness! I stumbled upon your blog searching for science stuff, or maybe it wasn’t a stumble, and saw the title of your latest blogs. I had to check them out. I am soooo sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine for many reasons. I just want to say that I am praying for you….as we do our Apologia; I’ll be reminded. I trust that the Lord is going to help you find a way where there seems to be no way. He is faithful. Again, I’m so sorry my sister in the Lord.

  5. I found your post by accident. You asked questions at the end of it. Here’s what I did. My FIL was like my father. We were so close, he was my go-to for all things including quirks about my husband. He and I talked about things most people don’t, nerdy things, life things. He was there one day, gone in an instant. We didn’t get to say goo-bye. Just that phone call, sit down…he’s gone. The shock and grief for all of us was huge. The first weeks a blur. I learned some valuable lessons. Ask, ask ask. People are there in the beginning. Then after a few weeks they sort of go back to their lives. I learned I HAD to delegate. I kept asking for help when it was no longer “appropriate” to ask and I found out everyone was immediately helpful. We tend to feel like we’re selfish if we ask for help, for MONTHS. But I learned they know it too…they know it takes time. I asked for meals for a very long time, I learned that if I woke up crying and falling apart, to call someone ask them to come get one or all of my kids. I learned to ask for help with errands and homeschooling, “Take these books, make sure she does XYZ today, thank you”. And they just did it. Sometimes they would call and say they were going to the park, could they take my kids with. I asked for help with housework, yes, please come just vacuum or fold laundry. I was so happy to see that asking didn’t get me talked about and called names, it got me love and help. The paperwork and rearranging life, furniture, what to do with all this things, it becomes a full time job. It took me 6 months before I felt like things were at least sort of dealt with. I asked for help with phone calls, organizations, asked elders for help with formal paperwork, I asked men for help with the car, the yard, etc. And I let a lot of things go undone. The kids would be okay if our school year fall apart. We can make it up. Kids get put back a grade in public school, it’s not the end of the world if it takes a little longer to finish classes. And I took my times alone to go somewhere where we used to go outdoors and sit and sob until I couldn’t breathe anymore and my chest hurt. I needed those huge releases. What I had leftover I gave to my husband and my children helping them to grieve. The friends who left me because I didn’t act normal after a month, needed to leave my life. I took days and got rid of many things that complicated my life so it could be more manageable, I gave work, blog posts, and updating, pinning, etc to others. It was hard to be formerly self reliant to being almost completely reliant on others for help, for a very long time. I was even questioned about why I was taking it so hard months later. Seriously? Because I am. That’s why. I learned to no longer care what society thought I needed to do, feel, think or ask. After letting the surreal and disbelief sink into despair I learned that the heart and mind will accept it, if you take care to ask for help so you can focus on yourself and asking for help, falling apart and focusing on NOT answering all those questions you are asking yourself right now. The life you get when you emerge from letting it all go, will slowly reveal itself and it won’t be the life you had. You move forward but differently. Now, 5 years later I laugh again but our lives are very different. We value different things, aren’t as regimented as we used to be, value life and experiences over rules and strict adherences to society’s expectations. We value the small things over big bucket list things. We flow where once we struggled. We let life lead us instead of forcing things. We’ve become “wierd”. And it’s okay. I still can’t look at all the pictures. They are in storage. His things we kept are still in storage. One day, I know I’ll be able to look at them again. But time does pass and with it, you grow and change. Be easy, don’t let others insinuate your time frame for being okay. If it takes 10 years, then it does. If you feel guilty for being happy in a moment because it might mean you’re okay without him, let the guilt be there and then remember if he were here, he would want that. Guilt is a large part of the grieving process. Acknowledge your guilt. Move it. Start to move to the beat of your own drum. Others will look to you for how it’s done if you make your own trail through this process. And maybe you will need to write a book about it, when the time is right, lead classes in grief management, and perhaps you will find a whole new path down the line. <3

  6. I just found your blog in looking for ideas on high school health. I am lifting you up in prayer right now. I am so sorry for your family’s loss, esp. knowing you are a sister in Christ. May you feel HIS arms wrapping around you and giving you joy in the midst of extreme pain. I just read Teresa’s post above and found it so refreshingly honest and raw, and I hope you have found encouragement through that as well. May God meet all your needs-emotional, spiritual, physical, and financially. May His face shine upon you and your family, and be ever near. And may You sense Him in all the details of your life.

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